If you want there to be peace in your marriage, if you want to stop the fights, we have to start here:
Get out a pen and paper and answer this question…
What is it that I want?
Before the end of the day: Make 2 lists…a tangible list and an intangible one.
The first column is going to be filled with the desires you have that you could touch with your hand or see with your eyes. In the second column, list desires that are more in the category of heart wishes. You can’t see them. They are intangible.
Don’t leave ANYTHING out.
Write it out, stick it in your Bible. Pray about it for a few days. Ask God to reveal your own heart to you. Add those things to your existing list. Be bold enough with yourself and with God to be 100%, gut-level honest about your answers.
#3 Now you’re going to take your 2 columns of desires and separate them out into 3 categories.
List #1 – this column will include any desire on your list, whether tangible or not, that is a Biblical desire. Something that you can see specifically in Scripture. Cite the reference that backs up your desire.
For example: Men, wanting your wife to be respectful to you.
Ladies, desiring for your husband to be the spiritual leader in your home, to pray with you, to show you love. Those are Biblical desires. Or how about your desire to get debt free?
In the next column, write out the tangible or intangible desires you have that aren’t Biblically mandated but aren’t necessarily wrong
List #2 – List things that you want that aren’t sinful but they’re also not Biblically mandated. For example, like wanting a dog. (Dog ownership is not in the Bible 🙂 Another example would be wanting your husband to put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket.
List #3 – And your third column, working from your first list of tangible and intangible desire, list here the ones that are sinful. These would be things that are clearly wrong from a Biblical standpoint.
For example, like my desire to be accepted by people (God tells me that if I am trying to please people, at the same time, “if pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.” Galatians 1:10.) Or my demand for “down time” at the expense of others.
Cite Scripture for each of the ones in this list as well. Point specifically to what God’s Word says about this sin.
Seeing these things in black and white before you is going to be revolutionary to your heart. And because of that, your marriage is going to be affected. BUT, we’re not done yet! We’ve got to do something with these desires. We need to understand where they come from. Why they are causing fights between us. And where to go from here.
Listen to the broadcast for more insight into how to stop the fighting and please tune in next week for Part 2 on VowsToKeep Radio.