You Don’t Know Me
Do you feel known by your spouse? Seen? Heard? Do you feel they know your heart? Your desires? Your dreams?
So often the answer to these questions is no. We desperately want our spouse to “just get us.” We wait in want, wishing they would show interest in the same things we do, desiring to feel pursued and sought after.
We wonder why God doesn’t just make them understand.
We may think: If he really knew and understood my thoughts/feelings, he certainly wouldn’t do what he’s doing; he would act the way I think he should.
Or: I wish she would care, but she’s too busy being a mom. Honestly, I’m kind of grateful to escape and have time away from my cranky wife.
(If these sound familiar, your thought life may be profoundly impacting your marriage. Click HERE to listen.)
When the WE turns to ME
How quickly the WE turns to ME in marriage when we focus on our own heart’s desires rather than our spouse’s. (Focus on our desires may lead to idol worship and incessant fighting with our spouse. For more information, read I’m Sick of Fighting with My Spouse! (Part 1) and How Do I Get What I Want in My Marriage?.)
We stop putting our spouse’s needs above our own; instead pursuing what is meaningful to ME; what makes me happy. When this happens, we play tug-of-war with our spouse.
Do you ever think:
What about what I want?
Don’t you care about me?
Instead of taking on life as a team, we play against each other, getting lost in our sin and selfishness. The ME grows so big it overshadows the WE, and the purpose of our marriage is forgotten.
(God has a purpose for every marriage. Click HERE to read more.)
Good, Good, Good... Not Good
In the Bible, Genesis 1 tells the story of Creation. Every time God made something new, He looked at it and said that it was good.
Then God made man- Adam. After giving Adam instructions, Genesis 2:18 says the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”
Verse 22 says, and the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man He made into a woman and brought her to the man.
God saw Adam alone and decided it was not good, so He lovingly created Eve- a helper for Adam- and brought her to him.
I can almost picture Him excitedly saying with a twinkle in His eye, as He showed Eve to him, “Hey Adam, look what I made for you! She’s PERFECT for you!”
Helper? Companion? Champion!
Do you ever hear the word helper and connotate it with “subordinate” or “second-to”? As though the helper isn’t as important as who they are helping?
On the contrary, the original Hebrew word for helper (“companion” in other translations) in Genesis 2:18 and 22, is found only in the Old Testament and is used to describe God himself. It means:
In the Bible, God is often described as the “Helper.” He does for us that which we cannot do for ourselves; He meets our needs. Likewise, God made Eve as Adam’s indispensable companion. She would supply what Adam was lacking. Adam would do the same for her.
What does this mean for us?
We need to realize that God has fashioned and lovingly placed us in our spouse’s life to:
Do for them what they cannot do for themselves
Help meet their needs
Complement and balance them
When we recognize the vital and essential role we play, we understand that God made us uniquely for our spouse. To be their champion.
We are to be the human equivalent of God’s love in our marriage.
Watch how quickly your marriage moves from ME back to WE when you are championing your spouse. Then the purpose of your marriage- to reflect God’s love for His people- is restored.
Fully Known and Loved by You
At the beginning of this post, I asked if you felt known by your spouse.
I urge you now to flip those questions:
Do you think your spouse feels known by you? Do they feel seen and heard?
Do you know their heart- their desires and dreams? What are they struggling with today?
When the focus moves from our needs and desires to our spouse’s, we can move from passively waiting to actively pursuing. (For more information on the power of pursuing your spouse, click HERE.)
Some of you may be thinking I have nothing left to give. My spouse doesn’t even KNOW me, let alone seem to love me.
Please be encouraged:
You are, first and foremost, FULLY known and FULLY loved by God, your Creator, Savior, Comforter and Helper.
If you are seeking something your spouse is not giving, let God provide it for you. He will fill us up over and over so we can pour out again and again.
Vow to change: an encouraging call to action:
If you need to feel known and loved:
Read Psalm 139. It tells of the infinite ways in which our Lord so intimately knows us.
As for how He loves us, call to mind the Gospel daily. Who else would send His only Son to die in our place so that we can have restored relationship and eternal life with Him (John 3:16)?
Check out Tauren Wells’ song, Known, and be reminded of God’s incredible love and pursuit of us, despite knowing all our flaws and failures.
YOU ARE FULLY KNOWN AND LOVED BY GOD. He is not just a bystander in your life.
You shouldn’t be a bystander either.
Does your spouse feel known and loved by you?
God created and designed you specifically for your spouse. To help, protect, complement, encourage, and champion them. You get to be God’s love to your spouse every day. How will you love, pursue, and champion your spouse today?
For more information on filling your role in marriage, read How Fulfilling Your Role Can Change Your Marriage.
To go deeper still, listen to Powerful Pursuit: From Observer to Champion:: [Episode 114].